the doctor told me that I was over the limit for the steroid intake,
So I was recommended to remove my large intestine.
The surgery would add an excretion bag next to my stomach.
That was worse than dying.
When I was little,
I studied hard,
And always strived for the best, but the result was this disease.
I hit a big wall in my life.
I told myself,
“I’m just waiting to die.
I shouldn’t care about what other people think of me!
I should live the rest of my life how I like it!”
I firmly set my mind to it.
Even though my body did not allow it,
I went to places I wanted to go,
Met with people I wanted to meet,
And lived my life how I wanted to.
should have came back to me, but instead,
I was disliked and made fun of,
And most people withdrew from my life.
Following through with my choices
Required a lot of courage,
But my disease suddenly vanished like it never happened.
It was “a moment when I was able to put myself first”
I made a recovery,
And as if I was trying to take back the 14 years,
I reexperienced the joys of eating, sleeping and going out,
And spent everyday enjoying life.
After understanding that everything normal about life,
Should not be taken for granted,
I realized that to live and have a normal life is a miracle
And I was overcome with gratitude.
When I started blogging about the importance of “living your best life”
A lot of people wanted to hear more,
So I began giving talks on “how to live freely and happily in the moment”.
Within a blink of an eye,
I started gaining a lot of listeners
And began receiving offers from abroad.
I have met people who started crying from the relief of seeing me,
And had people opened up their struggles to me,
and the more I listen and give them advice,
the more smiles I put on their faces.
It made me realize that my bed-bounded life was not a waste,
And I felt happy.
When I was giving a talk one day,
I met someone from Oahu
Who gave similar talks,
So I went to listen to her.
A lot of people were there to find help
and I saw a lot of people relying on the speaker for that help.
What I was doing,
was only leading people to depend on me…
I felt suffocated.
I wanted a lot of people
To be themselves, and live more freely,
But it felt like I was “doing the opposite”,
So from that day on, I stopped giving talks.
The next day, I met a woman at my homestay.
She made songs that were simple enough for kids,
And continuously sang them merrily
Put a smile on my face and others around me
“Right now”, at this moment, she is expressing the joy in life
And watching her,
Changed my perspective
From that moment on,
I added melodies to the lyrics I had written before in the past
However, I was not good at singing,
So a week after returning home,
I took a Shinkansen to Tokyo
And started practicing with my old voice trainer
It was also related to my dream of “singing at Studio Ghibli”
In the beginning,
Practice was fun,
But before I knew it, I was giving my whole body and heart to it
And I saw myself fearing failure,
So I strived for perfection
And it changed to “I have to practice”
I lost myself again
And I realized that
on December, 2018.
It was the first time in 3.5 years that my disease relapsed.
I was unable to move my body again.
I began losing weight quickly,
And I even prepared myself to face death.
My plan to “sing at Ghibli” the following month
Had to be given up,
But I kept telling myself,
About my past experience,
Of connecting with my inner self
and overcoming my disease and making dreams come true
“What were my intentions?”
Every part of my body relaxed,
As I realized that “I worked hard on having fun during the 3 years that I was healthy”
I realized that I was in denial of my 14 miserable years with the disease
Because of the two extremes of my 3 year and 14 year experiences,
At that moment,
I was able to release all the tension in my mind and body
And I entered a neutral state.
It was not until January of 2019, that I was truly able to live comfortably.
I sang in front of Director Hayao Miyazaki.
With no particular intention
I drew without much effort
And created pieces that were “just me”.
It made people smile
I connected with my inner self
And prioritized the things in front of me,
Because happiness is understanding the connections that cannot be seen
I express that through my art and song.